ups and downs + emotional sobriety

I guess this is what grieving is like.

I can still see and appreciate the wonderful things in my life today, but for some reason I'm not feeling any more cheerful about it. Dinner last night was a good, and in some ways, productive experience, and I am grateful for every minute of it.

And I wake up this morning, and things seem fine. I decide to go for a walk to enjoy the sunshine, and my mood just spirals down from there. I don't know if I'm just in a negative frame of mind or if I'm sad because I need to be sad.

I seem to be thinking of many things at once, all of which hurt in some way or another. Some are more bittersweet, but some are downright... down. I miss the kids, I regret that a life with them was not the one that would have been best for any of us, I cry because I know I have no hope of ever seeing them again.

In the course of recent months I have said I needed to stay single, and that remains true. I am, however, having a very difficult time (today) accepting that fact. I know I still need to grieve for the losses of the past, so that I can get on with and live more fully in the present. I am having a hard time believing that things will work out, that I will eventually have a home and family of my own, and that I will eventually find a soulmate with whom to intimately share this life-journey.

But the fact remains: God is keeping me single. I have prayed for His Will in my life, and it is happening. He has managed to put a young man in my path in whom I could interest myself, but who is also on a path similar to mine -- the journey of self-discovery and self-awareness. This commonality is bringing us in a way closer together, and, at the same time, keeping us independent of each other. In fact, there is no WE. There is me, and there is him. The irony of this situation has not escaped me, nor has it escaped my ego, that keeps trying to impose its own will, saying "see how much you could help each other" and similar. Fact is, that line of thinking does NOT differ from the millions of other times I have felt the impulse to 'save' someone. This is the very behavior that is most detrimental to my emotional sobriety and spiritual welfare, and the pattern in my life that most needs changing.

I said it last night: my job is taking care of Jocelyn. When I do this, then I am capable of being a force for good in the lives of others. When I do not, then I am only doing harm to myself and those I love.

The temptation to slip back into old, familiar behavior patterns has been great today. The tendency to justify and rationalize my actions is also exerting itself. I am not at my physical best either; I did not sleep well or long last night, so I am tired. I did eat breakfast almost as soon as I got hungry, so physical hunger is not a problem right now. Emotional hunger is; the desire for that feeling of home and family lurks just below the surface of my thoughts. I am not angry, at myself or my circumstances (if I had to pick a feeling to describe that one, it would be depression). I am feeling a bit lonely, but that feeling is passing even now. Just naming the ways that my ego is using to try to 'get my own way' is the first step in overcoming them; they no longer have the power over me that they did when the thoughts were trapped in my head. Writing them out makes them more tangible and less unmanagable.

It's really amazing. When I was out, I asked God to guide my steps, even if my thoughts and feelings resisted guidance. And lo and behold, I did the next right thing; I went home, changed out of my wet shoes, took a shower, and wrote out what was circling about in my head. I feel much better now; it was exactly what I needed to do.

I suspect the next right thing is to take a nap. My tiredness is the greatest drain on me right now, and needs to be attended to next.