... now this ...

Not abandoned after all.

2009-01-22T07:52:00.001-08:00

I'd fallen in love with Wordpress, but now, the thrill, as they say, is gone.

After much talk and deliberation, I've started an Etsy site for my knitted goods, and decided that a new blog would be in order. I had previously bought the CSS extension for my (now much neglected) Wordpress blog, but discovered that, lo and behold, this was not something that would cover any blog I created, but just the one. So, with no extra fundage to have the flexibility I'd prefer, I started my new knitting blog here.

In fact, I've started two.

The first is Fanknitics, which coincides with the Etsy shop of the same name, devoted to knitting all manner of geeky things.

The second is Jo's Crafts, also with similarly named Etsy site, which was what I started out with, before I had the actually creative name that JT came up with for the geek side of my knitting night gig. I'll still be using these, but for any creations that aren't particularly geeky. It will be, in all likelihood, a bunch of cute baby things, recycled yarn/plarn and the occasional set of stitch markers.

So, since I'm around Blogger anyway, there might actually be some sort of updating going on around here. Consider yourself warned.

Technorati Claim

2008-05-12T18:49:00.000-07:00

Technorati Profile

return

2007-11-02T12:49:00.001-07:00

Of all my talents, I think I'm most practiced at spreading myself thin. Between the people in my life, the job, serious reading and self-examination, my time at the computer is relatively limited these days. Of course, once I sit down, I have email to check, which usually brings message board or Facebook notifications, and one person or another has sent something YouTube-ish for me to look at. Then there's blogs to read, communities to visit or games to play. And always, there is the ubiquitous Google Reader, just in case I don't have anything else to d
And, somewhere in there, I blog. In four different places. No wonder I can't keep up.

They're all to different purposes, though. Which is the sensible part of all this.

I keep a space on Nightgig for whatever web projects I want to show off, and for whatever general geekiness I feel like sharing.
There's the LiveJournal, which ends up getting more venting than the rest, although they're all friends-only or private.
I have a feminist blog as well, for explorations into feminist thought, and dealing with some tougher issues, some of them personal.

Then, there's here, the blog with no stated purpose. It's the oldest, longest running blog, and I can't quite bring myself to abandon it. It shows where I came from, where I started with this thing, and has a lot of my history in it. As of February I will have spent seven years of my life variously updating, designing, ignoring and re-designing this site. And I'm back again, after ignoring it for the better part of a year.

Worth keeping, even if I don't have a purpose for it (yet). Perhaps I can use a little pointless space.

In case you hadn't noticed...

2007-07-04T06:40:00.000-07:00

I don't blog here much any more. I've been venting my geeky-feminist spleen (you've been warned) over on WordPress, and just don't get on Blogger any more. I still comment to other Blogspot blogs occasionally, so the profile will be active, but I've got another place, one with more purpose and definition than the nebulous who-am-I that I've entertained more than once here.

Still, I'm not deleting it. I might yet have a use for you, O Blog.

Meme!

2007-04-25T19:24:00.000-07:00

Memey goodness, from Kit.

Promo: Lea Hernandez proposes follow up to Manga Secrets

2007-04-02T20:46:00.000-07:00

For anyone, and I mean ANYONE, who wants to learn to draw in a Manga, I've heard that Manga Secrets (art-ed by Lea Hernandez) is pretty good.

And Lea's thinking about writing a book, and self-publishing it, that would essentially be a follow-up to Manga Secrets.

In her words:

I want to do another book on drawing costuming. This is stuff lacking in almost all manga how-to. Not just how to draw clothes that look like clothes (instead shapes defined by elective slashes), but how to show a character at a glance with hair, clothes and attitude. Plus, a few stern lectures on what's Been Done To Death.

If you're interested, let her know. If you know people who would be, let them know.

Hell, let *everybody* know.

x-posted to the geek side, nightgig forums, comicspace, & my LJ.

An open mind is a terrible thing to waste.

2007-03-30T15:36:00.000-07:00

Because I don't concentrate on multiple things (in this instance, blogs), I've been neglecting this one and my LJ in favor of a new WordPress blog. Warning: High Level of Opinionated Content. Reader Discretion Advised.

This, however I wanted to share. It's a video called "In My Language", written by A M Baggs, who writes this blog.

Watch it, and find out what it means to communicate.

Something more to think about... Identity

2007-03-12T16:55:00.000-07:00

This post, via Thinking Girl, is from thefreeslave.

Who are you?
I am Jo, Jocelyn, Jo-chan.

What are you?
I am a scholar, singer, wife, sister, daughter, friend. Creative, passionate, fiercely loyal, hesitant, reserved, outlandish, capable. Tall, emotional, spendthrift, language connoisseur. I sing out loud in public and

What is your primary identity?
Ooh, a nebulous thing. I want it to be ME, but most often it is Student, Academic, or Geek.

What ethnic, racial, nation-state do you identify with? Or do you identify with none at all?
Anglo-American is probably the closest. I don't always feel like I'm anything at all, especially when I'm not feeling particularly "American".

How did you learn who you are/how to categorize yourself?
In comparison to other people, starting with my sister and mother.

How does having/maintaining an identity detract/support one being their authentic self?

If I am only one thing, then I cannot be all things that I am. If I am all things that I am, then I cannot be easily classified.

When we confront people as labels or categories, how does that affect our ability to see them for who they are?

I am blinded by the category, so that I miss all of who that person is.

Is having a simplistic, hand-me-down identity a form of ’security,’ and a strength or an ‘escape’ from the anxiety of growing into something beyond the flowerbox you were planted in? Or both?

I have used identity for security, but this was also to my harm. I was constantly watching that other person for cues as to who I needed to be. By trusting in the identity instead of myself, I lost who I was while I was being somebody's girlfriend.

When I allow myself to be fully who I am, there is no anxiety anymore, but a much more reliable strength from a much more stable source. When I am truly myself, then I realize that the flowerbox doesn't exist.

Do you ever ask yourself who and what you are, who and what you are supposed to be and whether you are being your truest self?

Often, but I am easily distracted from it. My greatest downfall is getting caught up with what other people think of me, and letting judgments rule my decisions, that may be phantoms in my perception only, instead of listening to what my truest self has to say.

Krishnamurti says that the drawing of lines, of distinctions in one’s mind has and does create all of the conflict, all of the war on the planet.

What say you?

He's a wise man. It's the divisions that I perceive to be there that keep me from participating fully in humanity, and that keep me focusing on the differences rather than the commonalities.

A Return... to Important Matters

2007-03-04T07:01:00.000-08:00

I have deeply neglected this blog in favor of ye LiveJournal lately (and in fact haven't been posting to the LJ all that often either). Usually my posts have been pretty me-centered, just regular life-type stuff.

These days, however, I'm starting to need a forum for other, more serious topics. Thanks to Kit sending me forth into the world of women-in-comics (sites like Girl Wonder dot org and blogs like Girls Read Comics) I've stumbled onto a new topic: feminism.

An odd thing for the "liberated woman, daughter of a liberated woman". It's not that I thought I was Über-Feminist, but I did consider myself to be a reasonable, reasonably educated and reasonably aware human being. Now, from reading incredibly perceptive, intelligent, logical and well-written posts such that are found on blog collectives like the Official Scrub dot com Blog, Women's Work and by individuals at Inside Out and Crimitism, I'm starting to think again. The kind of thinking I was first introduced to in Honors Intro to Philosophy, the kind of thinking that just doesn't get done on a regular basis in my general vicinity (usually -- there are notable exceptions).

So this blog has now been officially rededicated, as a place in which I might collect my thoughts, observations and analyses on this and related subjects, so that I might start exercising the thinking muscle again. It's been far too long.

Back in gear... again

2006-10-03T13:21:00.000-07:00

Considering it's been two months since I last posted, I suppose I shouldn't be congratulating myself just yet. But then, I had a break of six months due to planning a wedding: maybe this actually signifies my official return to bloggerdom.

Despite not having a real plan for my future after graduation (much like the last time), I haven't been panicking about what comes next, besides the obvious "let's get studying for the M.A. Exam" thing, which is what I *should* be doing, since the exam is coming up in just under four months. Still, the workload this semester is virtually negligible, at least in comparison to the spring's madness, and my side projects haven't completely fallen by the wayside yet. I'm beginning to live what might be considered a balanced life, and that in graduate school. Too bad it's not 100% guaranteed to last, but at least I know what it's like.

In my short second-term as Engel librarian I have more of an agenda than I might have thought possible when I was a GRA my first year, and that with less monetary motivation than I had then. (Of course, it makes a somewhat satisfactory second income, but that could be largely irrelevant, if I think less positively.) Still, I want to leave this place in good shape, with only the tiniest shimmer of a hope that the department might keep me on in the spring, turning this into a part-time but permanent position. That I'd be willing to take on, if only to make sure this place remains servicable and well-kept for future students. I'm not going to depend on this rather improbable outcome, however. There is just enough room for hope, not for expectation.

Still, I'm calmly considering what comes next... or rather, I'm calmly waiting for the appropriate time to begin considerations, since it's obviously not time yet. Staying in the moment has been a challenge for me before, and living in the future the most natural modus. I suppose I'm growing up?

Mrs. M.

2006-08-09T14:47:00.000-07:00

Today was for milestones.

I picked up the certified copies of our marriage license today, and then proceeded to accomplish these two 'firsts':

1) Sign the first legal document with my married name (voter registration) and
2) Sign my first check with my married name (paid for my new KS driver's license).

So now, according to the State of Kansas, I'm now officially Mrs. M., DL and all. All this married business is still sinking in, for both of us. We both sporatically divulge this secret knowledge, this revelation that "we're married". It feels at once like a mammoth undertaking and a simple daily act. Which is, I suppose, accurate.

Thoughts on marriage

2006-07-10T13:32:00.000-07:00

I was browsing around for wedding vows and readings and stumbled upon these thoughts, which strangely enough relate to the current debate on the availability of marriage (or lack thereof) to all persons. It's definitely got me thinking.

Via about.com

From "Goodridge Vs. Department of Health" by Massachusetts Supreme Court Chief Justice Margaret H. Marshall

Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support; it brings stability to our society. For those who choose to marry, and for their children, marriage provides an abundance of legal, financial, and social benefits. In return it imposes weighty legal, financial, and social obligations....Without question, civil marriage enhances the "welfare of the community." It is a "social institution of the highest importance."

Marriage also bestows enormous private and social advantages on those who choose to marry. Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family.... Because it fulfils yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life's momentous acts of self-definition.

On waiting before opining

2006-07-06T18:41:00.000-07:00

So, I got all riled up about the New York State Court of Appeals and its decision regarding same-sex marriages, and prepared to give my two-cents' worth. In order to properly quote Judge Robert S. Smith, the man who authored the decision, I sought, found and downloaded the actual text. I started looking for the quotes and began to read.

That was when I decided I didn't need to go off all half-cocked about it, and actually read the thing, and think about it before plastering my emotional responses all over this corner of the Internet.

In a few days, I should have something. Look for it then.

on the American diet

2006-07-05T09:09:00.000-07:00

In a recent On the Street offering in the Lawrence Journal-World the issue of 'eating healthy' when eating fast food came up. Being both health conscious and prone to eating junk food, I read opinions, commentary and threw in my two cents. This lead to the inevitable Google search and an investigation of portion control.

The American Cancer Society published an article detailing correct portion size, which had some very good visual cues to identify how much is actually a 'serving', according to the FDA. Some of these I'd heard about already, such as the "deck of cards"-sized amount of meat that is a single serving for one adult's meal. What I didn't remember (or know) was that this is only 3 oz. of meat, just a bit more than comes on a McDonald's hamburger.

The biggest eye-opener was rather mundane: 5-6 baby carrots is a serving. This of course prompted a trip to the fridge. The realization that this serving could all fit in my hand, indeed was just half of a handful.

Discovery: I've been overeating, not just on junk food, but on vegetables as well. (I can, and have, eaten a 1 lb. bag of those same baby carrots at one sitting, then proceeded to have dinner.)

Furthermore, a recent article in Psychological Science states that portion size is all in our minds, that we are culturally programmed to eat 'one', no matter how big or small 'one' is. Citing personal experience, I'm inclined to agree ('one' pint of ice cream gets eaten, or one small scoop, depending on the container I'm eating it out of.).

I'm now grateful for my inability to finish restaurant servings (always enough for two and sometimes three meals). For years I thought I had a 'small stomach for protein' because I could only eat half of the smallest steak (usually 8 oz.) at any given time. I even eat only 2/3 of the usual size (1/4 lb.) hamburger, leaving a crescent-shaped remainder reminiscent of a watermelon rind. It's more than a bit gratifying to know that it's not me, it's, well, us.

As any child of the Depression will tell you, Not Eating All Your Food is a cardinal sin, causing other children to starve in [continent and/or region containing Third-World Countries]. In the United States, we are priviledged to have too much of just about everything, at least according to standards of living in many other countries. I can only attest to Germany, where, at least in the Italian restaurants I visited, the pasta bowls are the size of, well, pasta bowls, and not the same diameter as a large pizza. (Compare this to Olive Garden, which also has two chicken breasts on a dinner-sized portion.)

It's getting preachy in here, I know. The point that drives this home for me is that I ate what I wanted (probably in the portions provided) in Germany, didn't change that once I got home, and went up way too many pants sizes in less than a year, just from eating American food and walking less. (In case you're wondering, I lost less than one pants size while in Germany, and I had been dieting in here before I left.)

Food for thought.

wherein the author uses this site as an actual weblog

2006-07-03T16:16:00.000-07:00

This via Cup O' Joel, from Thoughts from Kansas:

"Kansas state Senator Kay O'Connor said in 2001:
I think the 19th Amendment, while it's not an evil in and of itself, is a symptom of something I don't approve of.… The 19th Amendment is around because men weren't doing their jobs, and I think that's sad. I believe the man should be the head of the family. The woman should be the heart of the family.

And that's all well and good, I suppose. After all, a state senator is fairly limited in her ability to restrict the rights that the 19th Amendment grants. But Kay isn't content to be a state Senator. She's filed to run for Kansas Secretary of State, a position where she'd be directly responsible for ensuring that voting rights are protected."

Realizing I'm just pointing to the pointer. Still. It's at least reminded me that I need to register to vote (against such outrageousness) in the state of Kansas.

Read the whole entry here

please opine on new design + unusually long hiatus

2006-06-27T08:22:00.000-07:00

So...whaddaya think? This is, indeed, based on the old CLT site, but with a few additions / revisions. I moved the menus, added a bit of color, and changed the positioning from pixels to percentages.

So, how do things line up in your browser / operating system? Anything horribly strange?

++++++++++

I hadn't realized that, before the previous post, it had been six months since I wrote anything on this blog. Anything.

That should tell you what kind of semester I had.

If it doesn't tell you, and you don't know, you should catch up on my LiveJournal archives, which actually contain the occasional post here and there. There was much memeing, but know that I often go for memes when I'm really stressed out and I can't entertain myself any other way.

I have been incredibly busy since mid-December. I'm maintaining a moderate activity level these days, and I am grateful in the extreme for the foresight that allowed me to take this summer off. I knew I would be getting married this summer; what I didn't know was that I would need a good chunk of this time to recuperate, and what exactly I'd be recuperating from.

In any event, I now have the leisure to craft my life as I see fit, adding activities that I need (water aerobics and walks downtown) and stuff that I've missed (having time to blog, podcasting with the folks from NightGig). The pace of my days is much more enjoyable now, and not in the frantic, exhausted rush that I was living.

Even in the fall, I will be kinder to myself, with only one graduate class and a part time job instead of two to three classes and being a GTA.

I am beginning to discover that it is unnecessary for me to work myself to death, that I don't deserve that sort of treatment from myself.

Life is good, and promising to stay that way.

impending redesign, and possible organization

2006-06-26T15:42:00.000-07:00

It's time again for my semi-annual redesign, and I'm going to go both brighter and simpler than this one. I'm going to base it off an old site, which is inexplicably still online, more than three years after I quit working at the university that hosts it.

We'll see if it'll translate to Blogger well enough.

Also, I've begun taking stock. I have so much random web presence, and so little actual use for it. I'm going to at least make an attempt at collecting all the designs that I have created myself, and perhaps build a bit of a portfolio out of it.

Kit was here this weekend, and was asked if she had a site to show off her design work -- something I'd promised to help her build, with what little HTML skills I had at the time (which was probably something like five years ago). I'm still committed to that promise.

With those thoughts come these: "What about your sites? What about getting your work together?" Not that I have ever been a web designer in a vocational sense, but even in avocational interest I have offered my help to various people, and have so far not come through. It's high time I made the commitment to myself that I have made to others, and keep it.

So, I might actually have a site sometime in the future, not just full of links to my various sites with nothing in them, but with a bit of purpose as well.

It's time to start taking myself seriously, and, as Alice says, just DO something.

surprise, surprise

2005-12-20T16:30:00.000-08:00

This was from an email that I wrote today (entitled "Surprise, surprise..." -- but this was way off the original topic).

The email:
>From ESPN: ? The news that Arkansas State linebacker Chris
>Littleton will be allowed to play in his team's bowl game
>despite a recent arrest for battering a police officer elicits
>only one appropriate response:
>Arkansas State is in a bowl game?

My reply:
Yes, they're that bad.

-----------
Now, I can think of a couple of A-State fans that will get on to me for this, but all I can say what I experienced while I was a student at ASU. The Powers That Be decided, for whatever reason, that ASU needed to play in a higher division than they were at the time. They switched divisions and promptly began to suck to the nth degree. I went to one ball game during my undergrad (that I remember): it was homecoming, we were playing some much smaller school from Out West somewhere, and we ALMOST won. It was the one exciting football game I remember seeing there, because the score was tied in the 4th quarter, with a field goal in overtime deciding the game.

The rest of the schools we played then we had no business playing. I don't know if that is still the case, but unless there has been some major improvement, I would suspect that what I observed back in the day is still status quo. In fact, Littleton's inclusion in the game tells me that he's valuable enough to the head coach (read: he's pretty much carrying the team, or is one of a few key players who are) that a mere battery charge is not enough to stop him from playing. [This is also not unprecedented. A basketball player in the late 90's (whose name escapes me at the moment -- my mother taught him in high school too) was also allowed to play, dispite pending drug charges.]

In any case, ASU in a bowl game is a surprising thing to me. ASU Athletics ignoring legal proceedings to keep a player in the game? Not so much.

[x-posted to the LJ]

the persistence of memories

2005-12-02T17:18:00.000-08:00

I was inspired to comment on a post on Joel's blog, and when I got done, I realized it looked more like a blog post than a comment. So, for your enjoyment, The Blog That Really Should Have Been (revised and expanded version).

With heavy heart, I rid myself of my favorite clothing item the summer before last when I moved to Germany. They were a pair of leather sandals that I had bought the spring of my senior year in high school (1995) and they were comfortable.

They were Rockports, a nondescript, basic brown, bought with the idea that I needed very comfortable shoes when I went to London and Paris for a 10-day senior trip. I wore only those sandals while I walked (and sometimes trudged) around those cities on the other side of the Pond, and my feet never once got sore. I was tired, and my legs hurt, but my feet never did. After that trip I wore them every day that wasn't Too Cold to Get Away With Wearing Sandals.

After four years of constant use in college, I thought they were worn out. The sole was wearing down at the heel, and the leather covering the Rockport cushioning had worn shinily thin whereever my feet touched it. The right foot had even worn a hole in the leather, under my big toe.

But would I part with them? Oh, no! I wore them another four years, until the sandals wouldn't stay on my feet because they were literally falling apart. The strap across the toes was tearing away from the soles, and the leather under my feet had long since disintegrated.

Despite all this, those sandals still moved with me to Lawrence, and were great laundry shoes my first year in grad school. They only got the boot (so to speak) when I had to reduce my trappings from half a house down to two suitcases.

On Not Too Cold days (which are admittedly in shorter supply in Kansas than Arkansas) I still mourn the loss of my beloved sandals. I have quested for many years to find a shoe that can even approximate the comfort of the blessed Rockports, but to no avail. Part of the motivation for holding on until they no longer contained enough leather to classify as a shoe was the insane hope that, maybe, perhaps, I could get Another Pair Just Like Them.

For the winter, I am content with normal shoes. As soon as the nip in the air turns to a blushing warmth, the longings for my perished sandals will return.

two more weeks

2005-12-01T12:15:00.000-08:00

Last paper due: Dec. 14.

Worth reading: 'hate mail' sent to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Some of these lovely letters are from people who include their profession or academic status in their letters. Many missives display particularly good examples of verbal irony.

It still makes me sad.

on things of note

2005-11-11T16:14:00.000-08:00

Life is getting back to normal after a week (only a week?) filled with family visits (my mom was here, there was time with sister too, and Joel's sister and her family were here on Sunday) and school and stress and other things [Thing 1 and Thing 2].
I've been reading the news more, especially concerning the recent developments concerning the teaching of evolution in Kansas.
Occasionally I go looking for blogs I used to read [like this one] and I find outdated yet interesting little snippets, like this one about a date palm from a 2000-year old seed.
For some reason I'm investigating the possibilities of setting up a webcam. Why I don't know: I'm never home, but then, I do have a laptop.

how lucky we are

2005-11-03T12:30:00.000-08:00

I've been having a few doubts today as to the quality of my life. This was a product of the usual stress, the typical hormones, and an unusually dirty house. Nothing major, but I manage to combine all injustices or irritations in my life, letting them simultaneously threaten my mental serenity until all seems chaotic and simply too difficult to deal with.

Usually when I get that sort of self-pity party going, something shakes me to my senses. This time it was the band, Nine Inch Nails.

Or, more specifically, some pictures they took. They were in New Orleans about a week ago, and they posted photos from that trip on their site.

I have absolutely nothing to complain about today. At all.

needs & reminders

2005-10-27T00:33:00.000-07:00

"Love is nourishing; it allows each of us to be more fully ourselves."

"I am never diminished by loving anyone."

These two things I must remember. They will keep my path lit and my purpose clear. I have forgotten lately that my purpose, as Marianne says above, is to love, and that every opportunity is an opportunity to do so. I have been focusing on my fear, and not my confidence.

But in love, there is all confidence. Anything that is fearful is not loving.

May I strive to be more loving, in more ways, to more people, than I thought possible.

1 weekend + 3 hours of writing = 93%

2005-10-25T14:32:00.000-07:00

I rock. No, really.

I got my midterm back from Dr. Taleghani today, the take-home one that I dreaded for a few days, then got over and finally, wrote.

I'm sitting here with a mad grin, just 'cause I done good.

Needless to say, the general academic outlook is on the upswing, so of course I'm thinking of the post-semester pleasures that await:

catching up on Sinfest
reading for fun again*
sleeping past 6:30
getting back to the gig
getting back on the Gigcast
getting out of Wescoe
spend more time with joel that doesn't involve me reading for class
having a clean apartment
having time to actually cook
naptime, anytime!
working on Blue Canary with Kit (inasmuch as I help anyway)
playing around with random languages (this this or this) because I CAN!

That should do it. For now. I could go on and on (really) but unfortunately, there's a lot left to be accomplished before I get started on that particular to-do list. Hopefully this will serve as a motivator, instead of a procrastinator.

*at least one of these will be Terry Pratchett. Who else?

"I'm out of it for a little while and everyone starts having delusions of grandeur"

2005-10-25T02:50:00.000-07:00

I take a hiatus from the Nightgig and the corresponding podcast and there's all KINDS of changes...

This redesign (by David Davis of hpk) for one.

Makes me want to completely revamp my pitiful site and get involved again.

Grad school first, real life second, web pursuits third. Sorry guys.

spectre-tating

2005-10-19T07:13:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I posted in regards to my role as witness to the small happenings in life. Now, thanks to a contest on Joel's blog I am realizing this goes for tales of the paranormal as well....

One of my cousins claims to have seen the ghost of a small boy standing next to her bed in the old house on Thomas St. in Jonesboro (they lived there for many years, and we rented the house after they had moved elsewhere.) She said (if I recall correctly) that he was standing there just looking at her, dressed in 'old clothes' (old-fashioned clothes?). She blinked her eyes and he dissapeared.

The only actual scary experience I've had was with a Ouija board. I was at Nikki's dorm room with Kortney (and I think Kit, but I'm not sure there) and we were doing the usual deal. It started spelling for us at one point "Look behind Jo..."

Once it got to the O in Jo, I freaked out and refused to participate anymore. Once I gave up my willing suspension of disbelief the 'game' stopped (didn't go to any letters, no longer spelled anything out, that sort of thing).

That was just too close to home for me. Too weird.

So maybe I'm not just a spectator. Still, I think I prefer that role anyway.

I feel a wedding drama coming on

2005-10-15T21:52:00.000-07:00

[x-posted to the LiveJournal]

I have a dear, sweet friend of mine who is getting married in April. Due to unforeseen circumstances (medical problems for the groom, Hurricane Katrina for both families in general) there has been a general unsettledness about the wedding plans. First they were going to have it at home in Mississippi, then they were going to have it in Hawaii where they live, then back at home in Mississippi, then they were going to have a civil ceremony in Hawaii with a blessing of the wedding elsewhere later (back at home, or abroad somewhere). Now plans are back to what's closest to the original -- the acutal wedding ceremony in Mississippi on the original date.

So far so good, right?

I got an email not five minutes ago informing the bridesmaids that the color scheme was changing. (Yep, you guessed it -- I'm a bridesmaid. Actually I'm the maid of honor. And I'm singing too.) And I don't just mean "girls I decided that those pink dresses wouldn't work for everyone, so we're going with the green we'd talked about" -- no. No more pink/sage/ivory. It's now blue/white/yellow country French. I have no idea what the dresses will look like, although I'm grateful for the "I get to wear a blue dress" part.

But a sudden change like this, halfway to the wedding... kind of has me... concerned.

I know this girl. She's been notoriously indecisive in her life, and it looks like that hasn't changed as much as I thought it has. It looks like I'm going to need all my flexibility and patience for this one. I have a sneaking suspicion that this thing is going to get a lot bigger than she wanted it.

I've seen huge weddings before. My cousin got married a few years ago, and there were 21 in the wedding party alone -- including bride, groom, and minister. Eighteen attendants. I have never seen so much ugly pink satin in my life.

I guess if I get to go through other people's horrible weddings, I'll learn what NOT to do, should I ever have one of my own.

First lesson I'm learning from this girl's wedding: I don't have to invite anyone I don't want to. Period. I'm old enough that I don't really need most of the gifts that people would buy because they got invited. I don't want to invite anyone just because they'll get me a present if I do. I don't need a lot of stuff in my life. I'd rather be surrounded by my close loved-ones and keep things simple. All that hullaballoo is for the birds.

I also don't want to subject any of my dearest ones to bridesmaid dresses. At all. Dresses yes, but simple ones, that fit them, preferably that they have already, or that are basically church dresses. None of this micro-managing for perfect color co-ordination.

I know that some would argue: but that's what weddings are about. The ritual is there, yes indeed, but to me the important part of the ritual is not the bridesmaids dresses and matching bouquets or decorated sanctuaries or perfect receptions. It's about the love, people. It's all about the love.

Sometimes love means accepting the possibility of ugly pink satin.

spectating

2005-10-15T10:11:00.000-07:00

There are some days that I understand my purpose in life to be that of observation. Not that I am somehow prevented from or unworthy of participating in life, but that I am there to witness the small moments, to see the unnoticed, to note the minor but noteworthy occurances in the lives of those around me.

Last night a small Tibetan monk smiled and bowed to my sister, who smiled and bowed back. I did not see his face - I saw hers.

There was a glimmer of the magical in her eyes, an awareness that in one small glance, her humanity had been recognized, affirmed, appreciated.

As we were leaving the lecture, she said, "He smiled at me."

I don't know how much that moment will touch her life to come, but I am certain of how much it touched her that night.

Whether or not she will remember it later, I shall.

reworked, reworded

2005-10-10T14:01:00.000-07:00

In the last few years, this blog has undergone redesign, both of structure and of purpose. Well, it's back to basics around here again.

True, I have a LiveJournal, and I do post there fairly often. Still, the fact remains that this was the original place for me to express whatever needed expression. I cannot deny that, while the LiveJournal is useful, this is where my history is.

Recent events [katrina + apartment fire] have been reminding me of incidents from the past [leroy bullock + beth + westside]. Never have I experienced a sharper call for gratitude: for that which I have, and that which I don't have.

I have thought at times to achieve, not fame, but at least a small amount of recognition for these outpourings that are, in essence, creative writing of a sort. I know now that hoping for such things is to defeat the purpose I had in creating a blog in the first place. While others may have a more outwardly-directed purpose to their online commentary, I do not. Inward reflection brings inner rewards.

ablaze

2005-10-07T09:08:00.000-07:00

[crossposted to both the blog and the livejournal]

In the shadow of Katrina and Rita, a single fire seems a minor concern. For my neighbors, it wasn't.

At about 1:30 this morning I witnessed the burning of an apartment building about 50 yards from my front door. The aftermath was shocking. The building went up and was completely in flames within 30 minutes, and possibly less than that.

It wasn't my building, but as I could feel the heat from my front door.

I had looked at an apartment in that same building when I moved in, and decided against it because the kitchen was too cramped.

There have been camera crews, reporters, firemen, police, news helicopters, ambulances and utility repair vehicles all over this place today. Coming back to my apartment felt like checking onto Patch Barracks; I was stopped (even when I came on foot from the bus stop) by policemen, wanting to know who I was and if I lived here. The roadblocks have been disassembled now, but most of the crews are still working.

This post will likely be edited: I have much more to tell, but a dose of normalcy is called for. I'm probably going out with my sister and Viki, when Becca calls back in a few minutes.

photos

2005-09-16T10:41:00.000-07:00

More photos uploaded to my photo album. They only go to July 2005, but hey. I don't think I've taken many photos since then. Will post when I add more.

[crossposted to the LiveJournal]

Edit: D'oh! Thanks for the link-check, !

purpose #1, take 2

2005-09-16T10:04:00.000-07:00

Big surprise.

I don't do news. It's not a habit. Having a blog that is actually a weblog that serves the original purpose of said medium is for me, well, a bit pointless. If I actually surfed randomly and used the Blog This button, I might make it. But I don't. I journal.

So what if I have two journals online? It's as well. I have the LiveJournal with the whole private-or-friends-only posts option, but I can't redesign that site as is my wont here, and my other online addiction.

But anyway...

Between school (which is also work) and another design project for Night Gig, I have plenty on my plate. Still am getting out a bit, and having a social life (yes, I leave my apartment) I'm busy, and generally happy, although more often than not I'm tired.

Welcome to grad school.

melancholy in an uncertain world

2005-09-11T10:07:00.000-07:00

[caveat: I know I said I wouldn't journal-post here any more, but this needs to be here.]

One of the people I met in Stuttgart updated his blog recently, after a long hiatus, with a rather plaintive comment: disappointment in an unnamed person. Something about not being surprised by their behavior.

I wanted to comment, but I really didn't know what to say. Nothing helpful or even intelligent was forthcoming, and I felt a bit of a fool for even clicking on the comment button to attempt it. Anything I started writing felt trite or even patronizing: "Hope school's going well" or "Things will get better" or similar nonsense.

Even saying "I don't know what to say" felt stupid.

And then I berate myself for not reaching out to a friend.

And then I come here and post, hoping to make sense of it all.

I feel guilty about not being a better friend to him, about letting my emotional turmoil distance myself from my friends in the last few weeks we were all there, about not writing or emailing or calling any one of these people who were my family for a few short months in the spring.

There was a feeling of the eternal during those dinners we had, every Saturday night. A certainty, a harmony, never to be rivaled or duplicated. A feeling of home in the wilderness. The community, the intimacy of shared meals, shared lives.

So, for Fjalar, for Anders, for Ragnar, for Lyndsey and for Katie -- Prost.

[crossposted to my livejournal]

Starbucks + Fair Trade?

2005-07-14T14:30:00.000-07:00

I read an LJ post tonight, saying that Starbucks was now selling 'fairly traded' coffee, and was therefore virtuous. I, however, was skeptical. I would have to seriously change my opinion of the typical American über-corporation.

I looked a bit further and found this article on Organic Consumers dot org. The article was generally well-written, although some references were questionably expressed (Europe's Nazi past? That sounds a bit drastic).

Needless to say, Starbucks didn't sound as virtuous as it first appeared. In any case, I've never had Starbucks' fairly-traded coffee, since my dad brews it better at home.

Musicians of the Moment

2005-07-14T04:57:00.000-07:00

The Brooks Sisters

A sister set from Whitby, Canada, with gorgeous folk harmonies and intelligent lyrics. I met them on their European tour this spring, and they're not only talented but great fun as well.

Their newest album The Carport Sessions is well worth the purchase. Contact the Brooks Sisters, or visit their website.

News-of-the-Weird worthy

2005-07-14T00:40:00.000-07:00

Hermaphrodite Athelete In Court from the BBC

---

Okay, you don't hear about this every day. For some reason, I really feel... not quite sorry, but there's something sad about all this. Imagine not being able to fit in either men's or women's athletics...

Why Arkansas gets so much rain :: Memories of Andrew

2005-07-10T23:37:00.000-07:00

The latest report on Hurricane Dennis shows, at the bottom of the page, a small graphic of the track and potential track of the tropical storm that was once Hurricane Dennis.

The little dotted red line goes right over my hometown, Jonesboro AR.

Oh, it won't be a raging storm by the time it gets that far inland, only copious amounts of rain. As usual.

The closest thing I have to experience with a hurricane was Andrew (1992). Hundreds or maybe thousands of people from Louisiana and the Mississippi Gulf Coast came up through McComb, where I lived at the time, taking shelter from the storm with relatives, in churches, even in the high school gymnasium.

Andrew was a tropical storm by the time it hit us, and the only thing it did in our neighborhood was knock a tree down. The tree was on an island between two streets, with no houses on the actual island, but in every other direction. The apparently healthy tree was quite a large one, rotten on the inside, and exactly the same height as the length of the island. It fell the length of the long, narrow island. If it had fallen any other direction, it would have hit a house.

I was 14 at the time, and insane enough to go out in the storm when it hit us midafternoon. I was home from school, my parents weren't. It was quite a thrill to literally feel the power of that storm, and to realize that it had been severely weakened by the trip inland.

I came to understand in a small way how right those folks from Louisiana had been to come up north to us.

Beer Test (via Bobby)

2005-07-08T00:42:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine sent me this link: beertest.de (in German).

Apparently a friend of his created the site... I didn't expect this much... detail. This is not just the beers of Germany, but of the world, and rated on a scale of 1 to 5. The comments are quite funny, some of them. One particularly bad beer is made by a company called Graf (means Count, as in the title) and the comment reads "The Count needs to retire".

A few US beers actually got good ratings. I was thoroughly surprised.

Anyway, enjoy.

changes in purpose

2005-07-08T00:29:00.000-07:00

I'm finally bowing to the fact that a weblog is not my online journal.

I have become enamored of LiveJournal's features (like private or friends-only posts), and so the blog here has been neglected lately.

But since I've kept this up for more than four years now, I can't bring myself to kill it.

So, a change of purpose is in order.

This is now officially a weblog, as originally intended: a log of cool stuff, news, etc, that I find while browsing around.

Enjoy the changes. Maybe I'll actually keep up with the news now.

This of course means that there will be a redesign. Again.

For what's going on with me, visit my LiveJournal.

more quizness, after a long weekend

2005-07-04T01:04:00.000-07:00

So, I'm wasting plenty of time doing quizzes this morning. I already have one on my livejournal, so I decided to post this one here.

The Goddess of Night and Regret. You are a perfect
confidante. Always understanding and
solicitous, you could be a queen and you are
exceptionally honest. You are an intelligent
beauty.

Which gorgeous goddess are you? For girls! (breath taking pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

I've been using the LJ for most of my posting lately, no idea why. I guess it's just the mood I've been in. Well, the full report of the weekend is there, so have at it.

I've got to get this room in order and read for Old French. Then class at 2, grocery shopping afterward, coffee at 6 and Fourth of July party tonight.

I am one busy woman. But I am enjoying it, nonetheless. :)

just for the record...

2005-06-26T06:47:00.000-07:00

as of today I have been exposed to 35 languages in one way or another: 21 modern languages, and 14 extinct or older forms of existing languages. One is obvious. Care to take a guess what the other ones are?

edit: I've had to come back and change this number three times now. I keep thinking of other languages.

These are all languages in which I either know and understand at least one word or phrase, whether written or spoken. Languages that I would recognize when written but that I would not understand (such as Cherokee) I have not included.

Neither have I included languages created for fiction (Klingon), computer languages (Basic) or languages that are otherwise artificial (Esperanto).

falling into place

2005-06-25T16:01:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, during high school, I think, I took one of those daft personality quizzes, or birthday personality profiles or something equally as doubtful, which described me thusly:

"...If you're looking for hidden motives, you'll be disappointed. Underneath Jocelyn's care and concern for others is more care and concern for others."

I don't remember my reaction at the time. However, looking back from almost 10 years ahead of that time, I find myself agreeing with that sentiment.

I have always been asked why I learn languages, especially when I show interest in obscure ones or older forms. For years I have wavered in my explanations, wondering myself where this fascination comes from. The best (i.e. shortest and most coherent) answer was always "because that's what I do. I learn languages."

I have an answer now.

Of all places, the final realization came from Star Trek. I have been watching Enterprise lately, and have found myself most identifying with the character Hoshi, Com officer and, you guessed it, gifted linguist. In one episode it is mentioned that she has learned 38 languages. My instant reaction to that was "man, I would love to do that."

On my way home tonight, I got in front of two young men who were speaking in their native language, something like Hindi. As I walked, listening to them, I was imagining what it would be like to be able to understand them, when a not-so-errant thought dropped into my mind: I learn languages because I want to reach people where they are. I want to understand them on their own terms, with their own words.

Every impulse I have to learn a language, no matter how obscure it may be, or how useless the pursuit may seem to others, is important to me because there are people who speak it, or in the case of dead languages, people who wrote in it. I have dabbled in Icelandic, a language with only 300,000 native speakers, and a friend told me how to pronounce a few words of Turkish when we were out eating döner a few days ago. She was amazed, in an almost skeptical manner, that I could be interested in learning her language. She says, it's not practical, it's not useful, why would anyone who speaks English want to learn it?

And those thoughts never once entered my mind. They never do. I want to learn languages because I want to learn languages.

But it doesn't stop there. I would like to think that it's a purely academic matter, that I am simply fascinated by and drawn to languages for their own sake, but that is not so.

I love people. Of all races, creeds, stations and nationalities. And what better way to be close to those people than to talk to them using words that they truly understand. Language is not just the expression of a thought, but it instructs thought. Understanding a person's language can give insight into the very formation of thought.

What more intimate, loving gesture could possibly exist than to seek to understand people in the way that they understand themselves.

exercises and entertainments

2005-06-09T05:14:00.000-07:00

Well, I had hoped to be playing around, avoiding responsibility and the like this afternoon, but it appears that everyone else is not available for frivilous romping. Oh well, I guess that means I'll actually get some things done today.

This has been an excellent day so far. Nothing really happening, except that I was in a spontaneous good mood today. I was (and still am) completely content in my life today. Good feeling, I must say, especially considering I have been rather down of late, as noted in the LiveJournal entries of the last few days.

So, the weekend started today, and I am filling my time wisely. That's almost sacriledge. *grin* Still, keeping my promises is not such a bad thing; when I get done with this post I'm going to eat lunch, and afterwards finally translate and redesign the Blauwasser website as I've been promising to do for a year now. I'll be using the Color Book (graciously loaned to me by Kit) to pick out a color scheme for the site. I'll be simplifying things considerably (I hope) and cleaning it up a bit.

There's more design work on my plate, and I keep offering to help others with their sites, despite the lack of progress on those projects which I have already taken on. Well, let's see if I can strike some projects off the to-do list...

a day for gratitude, for the small things

2005-06-03T09:39:00.000-07:00

I could start this off in the usual way, with something like "just a normal day, nothing much going on, but I'm going to write anyway..."

Not much in the mood for that, I guess. There was nothing wrong with today, and everything right with it, but there was nothing of great import or weighty significance to it. It was simply a day, but not simply like any other.

I did the small, mundane things. I cleaned up, I went grocery shopping, chatted with family, talked with a friend. I made some plans, and also left a good bit unplanned.

What happened was I enjoyed the small joys. There was a blue sky for most of the day, the feeling of summer in the air when I went out, the sweetness of ripe watermelon and the refreshing tartness of not-quite-ripe cherries. There was envigorating music and pensive silence. I felt the satisfaction of throwing away papers I didn't need and a quiet joy when I discovered that reading in a new language was a little easier than it had been.

In short, I rejoiced in my life today. And it was good.

fair or not fair? that is the question

2005-05-31T07:54:00.000-07:00

I find out today that Lauryn Hill and James Brown (yes, that James Brown) are playing at the LBBW Jazz Open in July, here in Stuttgart.

Ticket prices: between 40 and 50 Euros per concert.

Lauryn plays at 20:00 on Wednesday 13 July; James at 20:00 on Thursday the 14th.

The question remains... do I scrape up the 50 Euros to go, and which one do I go see?

mrr?

2005-05-27T13:25:00.000-07:00

From the files of "This makes sense, but what were they thinking?":

NYC Council passes "Potty Parity" bill

Okay, yes, the lines to women's restrooms are always horribly long, and the men's doesn't usually have a line. Yes, increasing the number of women's restrooms would definitely improve the quality of life for us (and at some of the most pressing moments too).

But "The Women's Restroom Equity Bill"? For all it's usefulness, the name alone pushes the discussion into the realm of the absurd.

as though I needed another distraction...

2005-05-27T02:49:00.000-07:00

I have been listening to Garth Nix' book Lirael: Daughter of the Clayr lately. I am nearing the end of the book, and now I am considering two things: either buying a copy of Sabriel on iTunes, or seeking out another of Nix' novels at the library.

I am such a book addict.

I have recently gotten Tim hooked on Terry Pratchett, and now, just when I think I'm immune from the bibliomania, I rediscover Nix. It is, of course, mid-semester, and I have numerous materials to read, I have stared on the required reading for my master's exam next year, and I already have borrowed about four or five books from various friends to occupy any free time I can manage (which is, wonderfully, quite a lot).

Of course, the versions of Sabriel, et. al., that are available from the public library here are not in the original, but have been translated into German. Not to say that it's a bad thing, but still... part of the magic is Nix' writing style. It would be interesting to see how his works translate, however.

Okay, okay.... concentrate on what's in front of you, Jo. There will be plenty of time for fun reading soon.

small victories

2005-05-23T23:44:00.000-07:00

Whooohoo! I translated the assignment for Old French in less than an hour this morning, and it actually sounds like real German!

Considering I have had a grand total of TWO semesters of French and ONE semester of Latin in my LIFE, this is a very good thing indeed. The same assigment would have taken me at least two hours at the end of last semester.

Hehe... I may actually be learning something.

In related news, I've been looking at PhD programs lately, and the Medieval Studies program at Cornell looks particularly good.

Nice things to see: required for the program are reading knowledge of ... wait for it... French and German.

I think I can handle that. *grin*

ups and downs + emotional sobriety

2005-05-22T03:39:00.000-07:00

I guess this is what grieving is like.

I can still see and appreciate the wonderful things in my life today, but for some reason I'm not feeling any more cheerful about it. Dinner last night was a good, and in some ways, productive experience, and I am grateful for every minute of it.

And I wake up this morning, and things seem fine. I decide to go for a walk to enjoy the sunshine, and my mood just spirals down from there. I don't know if I'm just in a negative frame of mind or if I'm sad because I need to be sad.

I seem to be thinking of many things at once, all of which hurt in some way or another. Some are more bittersweet, but some are downright... down. I miss the kids, I regret that a life with them was not the one that would have been best for any of us, I cry because I know I have no hope of ever seeing them again.

In the course of recent months I have said I needed to stay single, and that remains true. I am, however, having a very difficult time (today) accepting that fact. I know I still need to grieve for the losses of the past, so that I can get on with and live more fully in the present. I am having a hard time believing that things will work out, that I will eventually have a home and family of my own, and that I will eventually find a soulmate with whom to intimately share this life-journey.

But the fact remains: God is keeping me single. I have prayed for His Will in my life, and it is happening. He has managed to put a young man in my path in whom I could interest myself, but who is also on a path similar to mine -- the journey of self-discovery and self-awareness. This commonality is bringing us in a way closer together, and, at the same time, keeping us independent of each other. In fact, there is no WE. There is me, and there is him. The irony of this situation has not escaped me, nor has it escaped my ego, that keeps trying to impose its own will, saying "see how much you could help each other" and similar. Fact is, that line of thinking does NOT differ from the millions of other times I have felt the impulse to 'save' someone. This is the very behavior that is most detrimental to my emotional sobriety and spiritual welfare, and the pattern in my life that most needs changing.

I said it last night: my job is taking care of Jocelyn. When I do this, then I am capable of being a force for good in the lives of others. When I do not, then I am only doing harm to myself and those I love.

The temptation to slip back into old, familiar behavior patterns has been great today. The tendency to justify and rationalize my actions is also exerting itself. I am not at my physical best either; I did not sleep well or long last night, so I am tired. I did eat breakfast almost as soon as I got hungry, so physical hunger is not a problem right now. Emotional hunger is; the desire for that feeling of home and family lurks just below the surface of my thoughts. I am not angry, at myself or my circumstances (if I had to pick a feeling to describe that one, it would be depression). I am feeling a bit lonely, but that feeling is passing even now. Just naming the ways that my ego is using to try to 'get my own way' is the first step in overcoming them; they no longer have the power over me that they did when the thoughts were trapped in my head. Writing them out makes them more tangible and less unmanagable.

It's really amazing. When I was out, I asked God to guide my steps, even if my thoughts and feelings resisted guidance. And lo and behold, I did the next right thing; I went home, changed out of my wet shoes, took a shower, and wrote out what was circling about in my head. I feel much better now; it was exactly what I needed to do.

I suspect the next right thing is to take a nap. My tiredness is the greatest drain on me right now, and needs to be attended to next.

self-contained contentedness

2005-05-20T15:02:00.000-07:00

that's my goal, really. at times I manage it, and at others I get off-kilter again.

so my little bit of reality looks like this tonight: I'm sitting at my computer, in a little room that, at least for a while, is my own, and I'm catching snatches of other people's lives, fleeting notes of passing conversation or floating peals of laughter drifting in from further away. I have had my own conversations today, have talked, laughed, pondered, been still, and cried. I have sat out in the middle of the world and not seen anything but my own thoughts, and I have sat inside my little realm while the smallest patch of the outside world has brought itself to my attention. I have fasted, feasted, listened and prayed. There has been cause for celebration in every moment, some of which I missed, but there were others that I saw.

for tonight, my life looks like a life, and one that is being lived.

in this knowledge, I am content.

as the theory goes....

2005-05-18T14:56:00.000-07:00

...I will be going to sleep soon. It is just this side of midnight (again... I seem to see these hours more and more often, the closer we get to midsummer. It was not full dark tonight until 21:30, which is late for me. :) Add to that the drunken Germans singing outside... (on a Wednesday??)

I had dinner with Katie tonight (homemade Thai fried rice, which was a huge success!), which was a very good thing indeed. I have been getting my fill of Girl Time lately... I must be making up for all the Girl Time I missed by hanging out with the guys in high school. :)

Although I really have no outward reason for it, I have been inordinately calm lately. The good thing about this is that I don't frantically think "why am I so calm?!" I have the feeling of being exactly where I am supposed to be and doing exactly what I am to do. I know I have blogged and livejournaled feelings like this fairly often in the last few months, and for some reason, I don't mind repeating myself. Even though this is essentially a public journal, I believe my primary purpose in keeping it is simply to keep track of myself. Looking back a year, a month, even a week ago has been an enlightening thing to read recently. To bastardize a fairy tale: 'All the better to see the patterns with, my dear.' Not only that, but I can tell that I have been leveling out as well. I no longer react with the same vehemence or anxiety that I once was all-too-apt to display.

I am taking much better care of myself in general lately, from restarting my yoga routine to taking long walks, eating healthy food and buying fairly traded goods. It is as if the person I am meant to be is sitting here, and I am gradually coming to see her point of view.

Okay, now the drunken Germans (currently in my building, they were outside before) have gone from singing German drinking songs ("Viva Colonia", to name the one I actually know) to, get this... "Yellow Submarine"! If I were ever to cease being amused at myself, I would have no problem finding entertainment elsewhere. *giggle*

It's a good thing I only have to get up to go to a massage in the morning... wow. If I actually had to think after all this, I would be hard pressed to do it well.

*chuckles* I wonder where this old-fashioned prose style came from. Must have been the discussion on Old English today in History of English. *grins*

Fear not, my friends; the monologue ends here, before its florid language should come to offend.

quick, before it's tomorrow!

2005-05-15T14:50:00.000-07:00

Okay, broadcasting an ultra-rapid post before crashing for the night (and hopefully sleeping):

I did so much today it was scary. And, wonderfully enough, none of it was school-related.

I left it all at home and went with Dory to a medieval fest at Burg Sazvey (is that the name of it?), after getting about five hours of sleep and fighting off a minor hangover (thanks to red wine and white russians last night at dinner). Somehow, by the grace of God I:

completely enjoyed myself today, in spite of the fact that I expected to be really tired (and therefore, a bit crabby);
didn't let other people's negative attitudes affect me at all; and
kept my eye on a very active 6-year-old boy (Patrick and Kristin's son Mark... a live wire if ever there was one) and had a great deal of fun in the process.

There is no other Power great enough to accomplish all this in a single day, let me tell you. Just the ability to function on fest food alone was a miracle in itself - coupled with the moderately strenuous nature of the day's activities and my re-reading of a delightful little novel during the 8+ hours of bus ride on the way there and back, this day was quite full indeed. (Review coming soon to a book blog near you.)

AND... as if that wasn't enough, tomorrow's a holiday -- my courses don't meet.

Oh, and I taught Dory how to say "sjumilaskogin" today. *grins* No sooner do I learn one Swedish word, but I have to pass it on. How's that for compulsive teaching?

prolific?

2005-05-14T01:25:00.000-07:00

Now, in the grand scheme of blogging, I know I'm not a prolific writer. It still surprised me to know that, before this post, I've written 73,229 words in my collective blogs (and that's on blogger alone) -- which is one-half to three-quarters of a novel (at least according to a discussion on absolutewrite dot com).

Granted, this is over four years... but I had no idea I wrote this much, or that so much of my life could add up to relatively little (depending on your perspective).

Happy birthday, Sabriel!

2005-05-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

Ten years ago, Garth Nix' novel Sabriel (first book in the Abhorsen trilogy) was launched at the Mortuary Station in Sydney, Australia (via the author's personal site).

Strange that I should just happen to look for Garth Nix' website tonight, just as it is getting dark, and that this book's anniversary of sorts is on a Friday the 13th. The realm that Sabriel inhabits is a careful balance of science fiction, fantasy, horror, mystery, suspence and coming-of-age. As an 18-year-old girl, Sabriel must take on her father's role of Abhorsen, the one necromancer whose bells are used not to raise the Dead, but to send them to forever rest beyond the Ninth Gate. Nix' tale is well-crafted and engrossing, and although it is listed as young adult fiction (grades 7-12, ages 12-18) it is substantial enough to engage the more advanced or older reader.

[Abhorsen trilogy: US Publishers; UK Publishers (as the Old Kingdom series)]

Entertainment following the show

2005-05-11T13:50:00.000-07:00

From bash dot org, via Tim:

499674

Tonberry: I hate it when people forward me God crap.
Arch|Ryuugan: lol
Tonberry: Like 'God is our savior, why should we only worship him on Sundays! We should worship him at work, at school, during sex, yaddayaddayadda.'
Arch|Ryuugan: Wait... during sex... do I need to, like... pray?
Tonberry: Well, I think 'Oh, God' is sufficient.

----------------------------------

Kudos to Tim for providing the entertainment, after I put on somewhat of a show on the Livejournal. It was a pissy day. No less determined now, but a lot less angry, and a lot more willing to laugh.

oh, it's GOOD

2005-05-03T13:34:00.000-07:00

I haven't laughed this hard in ... at least a few days. :D (That's a good sign, eh?)

Had conversations today with Nick and Tim both... both a lot of fun, and simultaneously constructive. Figure that one out. In any case, Nick and I chatted, discussed old times, and renewed some lost rituals (sharing music recommendations was always a big thing between us). I chatted with Tim about movies, Terry Pratchett (I'm getting him hooked... muhahahah) and life in general. Timmay's a good listener, that's for sure. If he can put up with my incessant babbling, he's got to be good at it. :)

For a day that I spent at home sick, I certainly had a lot of company. I sent Anders a quick IM because I felt like it; Detti sent me an SMS to see how I was doing (which was much much better, I can tell you), and Klaus-Peter gave me a call, to see how I thought the gig went yesterday, since he didn't get the chance to ask me about it then, since I pretty much disappeared once we were through playing. I bugged Katie a couple of times via iChat too.

Heh, I really am more extroverted than I once thought.

Today was also full of quizness, via blogthings. My top Meyers-Briggs results (in this order):

Idealist (INFP)
You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

Inspirer (ENFP)
You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends. You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules. Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives. You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're quite the storyteller! You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

Protector (INFJ)
You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity. Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is. You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience. You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them. You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

Giver (ENFJ)
You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed. Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections. Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down. You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine. You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist.

Thinker (INTP)
You are analytical and logical - and on a quest to learn everything you can. Smart and complex, you always love a new intellectual challenge. Your biggest pet peeve is people who slow you down with trivial chit chat. A quiet maverick, you tend to ignore rules and authority whenever you feel like it. You would make an excellent mathematician, programmer, or professor.

...and the great thing is, except for the "biggest pet peeve is people who slow you down with trivial chit chat", I generally can identify with all of that. Nice, eh? Any opinions? Dissentions? Fragen? Bemerkungen? (Heh, that was my inner German professor talking. *grin*)

and to think, I could have gone to MIT

2005-05-03T06:34:00.000-07:00

Nothing personal, Dory.

... this story, via Tim Shea:

Time Travel Convention Planned for Saturday, May 7

I guess it doesn't matter if I miss it or not, since I can always go later. The sad thing here is, that these folks actually had to come up with a reason for a party... isn't that sort of thing just self-justified?

more marianne

2005-05-02T00:24:00.000-07:00

"We live in a culture that mitigates genuine emotion of any kind, because it mitigates genuine anything. In a culture of denial, those who do not deny the depth of their feelings are often branded as fools or hysterics." -- Marianne Williamson, Everyday Grace

Is that how I label myself? As a fool or an hysteric, because I cannot (and now that I read this quote, will not) mitigate my emotions? I am an emotional person -- this is a phrase I have used to excuse the strength of emotion that I feel, to explain my essential nature away, so that it no longer offended.

Well, no more.

There is no reason that my living of a genuine life should offend anyone, and if it does, then maybe it's because they aren't living one themselves.

I have refused to settle before. If I accept this... degredation of who and what I am, then I would be settling for something less than a life.

That's it. I'm ready to live with a ferocity and a passion that no one has ever seen me do. Dammit. I'm tired of pussy-footing around.

Edit: this was my first reaction to this delicious little quote. For my second, and more complete answer, visit my livejournal [Permalink].

updated self-image

2005-04-30T14:22:00.000-07:00

on a whim I took the Ansir Personality Profile again, and got empath/healer/empath. Since that first time, I've never gotten sage/healer/empath again, although I still have some of the 'sage' qualities of thinking. I think I'm just more organized than I used to be. :)

I am glad to see I'm still a 'healer'. I guess that's what I want to be.

Personality tests have always been a favorite waste of time. It started the first time I took the Briggs-Meyers Personality Test in the summer of 1991. It's funny, though. I spend less time now wondering what my results will be and more time seeing how my answers shape those results.

I guess you could say I know myself better than I did when I was 13. With any luck, we all do.

the results of curiosity, with a pinch of pensiveness

2005-04-30T13:01:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation with Lyndsey the other day, talking about the level settledness we really want in our respective lives. We had much the same perspective on this, namely that we wanted to travel a good bit, but to also have a place to come home to.

This, in turn, got me thinking about where I have been, so I, being the good Virgo geek that I am, made a list (left column of the page).

It appears that I do travel a lot. I forget sometimes that I am too curious about the world to just sit in one place and not at least go visit elsewhere. Many of these trips were special (choir trip to sing in Carnegie Hall in NYC) - others were simpler (visiting Ken in Chicago the year he worked there).

I also listed on the same page the places I've lived and gone to school. That was a shorter list, but long enough. Five states, two countries, and I have the feeling that one or both of those numbers will go up again, eventually.

I wonder sometimes if I'm still looking for my 'home'. Then I realize that I take home with me, wherever I go. When I went 'home' for the break, it was to my parents; when I came back, it was 'home' to Germany. I don't dread moving like I used to. I know that I can land on my feet, make friends, etc., if I'm changing towns, and I can make my home wherever I land.

The uncertainty in my life today shows up when I think about what I will do after I finish my master's degree next May. More will undoubtedly be revealed.

well, as soon as I open my mouth...

2005-04-29T13:19:00.000-07:00

...I put my foot in it. I protest that, no indeed, I have a kick-ass immune system.

So now I'm looking at a sore throat, and I think I'm starting to run a fever. Not bad, but present nonetheless.

I apologize in advance to anyone who drank after me last night at dinner.

Good thing is that I'd already gone to the doctor re: the sore throat, and I have fever-reducer as well. I'm going to bed and loading up on the vitamin C.

thank god it wasn´t my last 20 €

2005-04-29T04:30:00.000-07:00

Well, that is frustrating. I ordered a book online through Amazon, thinking it would be the hard-to-find-even-though-published-locally edition of a book I need for class, and finding out that is was, in fact, the easy-to-find-second-volume of the very same edition, the one I could have bought at Wittwer for possibly less money.

I´m still keeping it, on principle that I should have noticed, and I study Germanistik anyway.

It´s still frustrating as all hell. Ah, well, I guess I´ll try to find it elsewhere.

evening out

2005-04-27T14:55:00.000-07:00

Balance is everything, in dance and everything else.

I went out tonight after all, to the Tanzabend that I visited last week. I came home a good bit more soberly than last time, even though I had equally as much fun and danced until my legs hurt.

One gentleman seems bent on teaching me milonga, and teaching it to me 'correctly'. I admit, this does not displease me, especially since I seem to have a feel for the Latin dances moreso than others. He was exceedingly patient with my extremely inexperienced self, and my stubborn "no, I'll lead thanks" feet.

Eva Maria was also there, a girl I met last week who taught me a few steps (mostly cha-cha and rumba, at least those were the ones I remembered). She apparently had a 'lightning bolt moment', and was talking about 'her Florian' tonight. She seems very happy, and I may get to meet him next weekend, if I go to Ulm with her.

The second gentleman to cross my path tonight was a bit other than the first. My teacher is older (at least, enough that I'm not remotely interested), and therefore, safe. The second fellow, Andi (short for Andreas) is just less than a year older than me. He kept doing silly things when we would dance -- it reminded me of how third-grade boys show off to get a girl's attention. He had mine, at least visually. He's a nice enough guy, and I thought to myself, "Self, this might be a good time for you to start dating again, since you know you won't be tempted to take things too seriously."

Well, all that happened was that he told me when he would next come. I think I expected a bit more, like a suggestion to go get coffee, or something. These dern zurückgehaltene Germans. :/

And this small occurance, dancing with someone, was enough to throw me off my balance, at least for a little while. My teacher (didn't ever get his name, actually) kept hammering at me to get my balance, mainly because I kept losing it. I thought I had the idea down, but apparently there was something missing. I move fairly well, I would guess, but the concept of having to wait for the man to indicate what the next move will be is completely foreign to me. This simple change of attitude, from one of confident control to serene release of control is a tough one, and not one that I am likely to give up as quickly as I'd like.

The metaphor for life is abundantly apparent to me. As soon as I try to control my life, try to lead the dance, as it were, then everything goes awry. But when I let the Leader lead, then it is possible for things to go well. The catch: I have to pay attention to the signs, know what to do when I get them, and act accordingly.

I have been attempting to do this in my life for quite some time now, and have even enjoyed a measure of success. Now, with situations like with this Andreas, I am feeling no particular direction, and I continually lose my balance.

Perhaps I am not shifting my weight enough... I am perhaps being too inflexible. That was part of my problem tonight literally, and this may cross over into more metaphorical meaning as well. If so, then I needn't worry about whether or not I get invited to coffee or something. I could begin to allow myself to go out, to have fun, to express interest in people, to let my hair down and actually, really date. I wonder how far the metaphor extends literally... do I wait for someone else to make the first move, or do I go for it myself? I have a little leeway, some time to think and ponder. Perhaps what I will wait for is the opportunity to arise, and pray for the sensitivity to feel both when I should act and in which direction I should proceed.

it's all different now

2005-04-22T22:22:00.000-07:00

Wow. My heart is so full, it's hard to know where to start. I suppose I'll start with thank yous.

To those of you who were there at the first, those who were there during this whole process, and to the two who were there when it happened, my life would be diminished if you hadn't been there. You have my most gracious thanks from the bottom of my heart.

The process was this: letting go of the kids without abandoning them. I have loved those two since the day I first met them more than three years ago. They were a delight from the start, and the times I spent with them and their father will be treasured for the rest of my life.

They were a reason that I held onto that relationship longer than I might have, if they had not been there. I could not bear to leave them, but leave them I had to.

Over the last five months I have cried, fumed, ranted and sobbed about this, what for all the world feels like the loss of my own children, even though I was a part of their lives for what will eventually be a short time, although it seems like a long time now.

I saw their strengths, weaknesses and everything in between. I came to treasure the small moments, however few, where I saw glimpses of who they would become - the photo booth picture that showed his spirit of play and the woman that she will one day be. The loving way she tended a garden for a school environmental project -- his vivacious and quick wit.

I have felt compelled to write to their father, asking permission to write to them, should they desire or accept contact from me. For some months I also felt utterly unworthy to even think of such a request, let alone make it. I had essentially taken their father's heart out of his chest and stomped on it -- what right had I to even dream of remaining a part of their lives?

What finally came to me was: I love them. That is all. I have no rights in any sense, certainly not legal ones, and I accept that. There was a bond formed between us, and if it is not irreparable, then I will be allowed to renew and continue those relationships with those two dear souls who have touched my life in such a profound way. If the damage is irreparable, I will accept that, and grieve their loss from my life. I could not simply let it die, never giving that possible healing a chance.

From my perspective, it was impossible. I was gradually led to believe, as I do at this moment, that my perspective, being human, is extremely limited. In moments of prayer and meditation, bits of wisdom have come back to guide me. I decided to hope for the impossible, and ask for a miracle.

For a while I didn't even know what kind of miracle I was asking for -- I knew it was for healing, but I had no idea what kind, or where. I knew generally what I wanted to write, and knew I needed to send it, but the time wasn't right, and I wasn't ready. I had a few impulses to act, to fix it, but all those were in order to fix my pain, not decisions made out of love. I could not act out of that selfish reason, and expect any good to come of it, so I waited.

Then, this morning, the miracle happened. I didn't know it at first - all I could do was go with it. I woke up at 3, with song in my head, a song about counting your blessings. I laid in bed singing to myself for about an hour. I could not get the kids out of my thoughts, and I didn't try. I knew I was supposed to think of them. I realized how very much I loved them and missed them, and that they deserve to know they are loved. It was clear to me from that moment what I was to do.

Then the impulse came. "Get up," it said. "Get up and write." I didn't know what to expect, but it was effortless. I was ready, and the words came. That was all. I could no more have changed it as stopped it. I knew it was right -- the attitude I needed to take, the thoughts I wanted to express, everything.

The decision is left in their father's hands, as it should be. I will not cause trouble for them in any way, and if anyone is uncomfortable, then I will not contact them. I will abide by their father's decision, and I don't think I will ask again.

When I sent that email, I was filled with such a flood of ... relief. Not fear, not regret, nor guilt nor worry. I was relieved. I had never felt so free in my life. I had done something quite important, something that had not been urgent - it had waited almost five months until the right time.

I fully believe that I could not have done this without the support of everyone I have personally thanked within the last 24 hours. I have been supported in word and deed by some of the most wonderful people I have ever had the good fortune to meet, whether they knew it or not.

The result: I am free, truly free. Not free of a relationship, but free from fear. I feel as though all of my fears have been removed in once blow, with not one hesitation remaining, all because I prayed and listened and trusted and waited, and when the time came, acted.

The miracle happened because I asked, and I knew it when it came.

My gratitude also goes out to Marianne Williamson, without whose insight I would not have known to ask for the miracle in the first place.

mystery money

2005-04-22T00:57:00.000-07:00

Okay, first of all I would like to clarify, this is not a complaint.

Now, on with the post. I checked my account balance today, and I have a mystery deposit that was made a few days ago. I would like to think that the money is mine, that my mom or grandmother just made an extra deposit out of the kindness of their hearts but until I know, I'm going to assume that it's a mistake.

I've been on the other side of this, where one of my deposits went missing because of a typographical error, so I'm pursuing it. I sent an email to my mom and one to the bank. Hopefully this was just Mom giving me money I didn't know about.

strictly ballroom

2005-04-20T15:04:00.000-07:00

heh, no, I didn't watch that movie again, although I probably could tonight. I found a little dance club to go to... at a katholische Gemeinde, and they meet every Wednesday from 7:30 until 10:30. I saw a flyer, and thought: what the hell!

Well, I have the absolute best time! There was a girl there (well, my age, but still) who had danced for quite some time, and who taught me a few basics. After that, the men started asking for dances. I let them know I was still learning, and everyone was so patient with me. There were all levels of both skill and talent, although I don't think anyone was professional, per se, many were quite good.

I started out *really* rough, but I got better as the evening progressed. I had one guy ask me how many courses I had taken -- and I was just learning tonight!

But, true to form and Baz Luhrmann's script, my favorite dance was the Rumba (although I could also cha-cha decently by the end of the night). I felt the movements for the rumba much more than even the waltz, which I had done before, albeit almost ten years ago.

I danced Rumba, cha-cha, foxtrot, waltz, and I'm sure some others in the two hours I was there. My feet are sore, and my heart is light. I literally felt a couple of years younger after dancing tonight.

In a way it feels like coming home, after so long.

blessings

2005-04-16T08:06:00.000-07:00

Ah....

I have so much to be grateful for. I forget to say thank you for the little things, like clean kitchens, light breezes, and riotous football games right outside the window. ;)

I have guests coming in about an hour and a half, and I have very little to do. The beans have been cooking for an hour, the corn pudding is ready for the oven, and all I have to do after that is get the cornbread in the oven and slice the tomatoes. The menu items this evening seem to have graduated cooking times - I had an hour to get the beans going before the corn pudding needs to go in the oven, and another half hour before I have to start mixing cornbread. I have time to clean up, set the table, and in general get everything ready except for the guests.

I don't know how often I will do this, but it is so... healing... for me to set table. I feel so blessed that I can nurture my friends in this way. They are my family here, and I want to show them this.

okay, one more....

2005-04-14T14:21:00.000-07:00

You scored as Hermione Granger. You're one intelligent witch, but you have a hard time believing it and require constant reassurance. You are a very supportive friend who would do anything and everything to help her friends out.

Hermione Granger

75%

Ron Weasley

70%

Harry Potter

70%

Sirius Black

70%

Remus Lupin

70%

Albus Dumbledore

55%

Ginny Weasley

55%

Severus Snape

50%

Draco Malfoy

50%

Lord Voldemort

35%

Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...?
created with QuizFarm.com

Heh. Was anyone surprised by that? But how about that tie for second, eh? I liked the fact that Lupin was on there in the neck-and-neck-and-neck-and-neck race that was second place. He's not my favorite character, but he's definitely one of the strongest and most balanced.

Good night, all. It's been a long one.

more useless yet entertaining quizness

2005-04-14T13:41:00.000-07:00

Heh... forget the religion, philosophy and true belief quizzes. Go find out who your Disney Alter Ego is. :P

You scored as Peter Pan. Your alter ego is Peter Pan. You are a child at heart. Anything you believe is possible, and you never want to grow up.

Sleeping Beauty

81%

Peter Pan

81%

The Beast

75%

Ariel

69%

Goofy

63%

Cinderella

56%

Donald Duck

38%

Snow White

31%

Pinocchio

25%

Cruella De Ville

25%

Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego?
created with QuizFarm.com

things I never expected to see about myself...

2005-04-10T10:47:00.000-07:00

like this, from my imood history page:

You currently feel content. (Feeling differently? Change it!)
You normally feel calm.

heh. that's a nice thing to see indeed. Not something I would have even imagined nine, ten years ago. I spent so much time at the emotional extremes that I didn't even know what "calm" felt like. Now, it's more rare to be on the emotional rollercoaster, and I don't feel quite so out of control, even when I am.

Lately, I've been more emotionally reactive than usual (at least, usual for nowadays). I can actually think about situations I would have just reacted to as a teenager.

God, it's strange to catch myself acting like an adult. (Fjalar had a similar astute observation that he shared at the party last night. I can relate, my friend.)

time-waster of the week

2005-04-10T09:37:00.000-07:00

Morse Code Music: creating rhythm patterns with Morse code

I spent about 20 minutes playing with this thing today... it was a nice break from reading for class. :) The theme song for the Mystery! television series "Morse" does indeed use the name "Morse" in morse code. I'm still trying to figure out Maqsoum (aka 'baladi') ...

okay, the general world has lost comment priviledges...

2005-04-09T06:47:00.000-07:00

because someone calling themself "lori" posted a long list of links to God-knows-where in sentences "Be carful buying (name of drug) online..." and similar. All kinds of versions, obviously designed to make my blog be called up on a search for some product I know nothing about.

Meh. Problem solved.

Edit: Now it really has been solved, and comments are back.

have a listen to this

2005-04-07T06:30:00.000-07:00

finally, something blogworthy... This from Dory, per email. I thought I'd broadcast it to the general 'net, instead of just forwarding it on.

Helden: the band's website, and one of the more whimsically creative site designs I've seen in a while. Listen to songs from their latest album ("Gekommen um zu bleiben" is a favorite), download video clips and get tour dates.

They are coming to Stuttgart 3 May 2005. I may have to plan for that one... Sounds like it could be good. :)

to the other side of the world

2005-04-03T13:26:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is the big day; flying back to Germany for my last stint there (this year, at least). Sad to be leaving, glad to be going back. all in all, the mixed bag of emotions I had expected.

I'm hoping not to start out my trip tomorrow tired, but it's shaping up that way. I'm really tired today -- probably won't go much of anywhere in the next 24 hours, until it's time to go to the airport.

Leaving Memphis at 7:20 p.m. CDT (02:20 in Stuttgart) and should arrive 3:05 p.m. local time on Tuesday (8:05 a.m. CDT).

I'm going to miss my kitty. >^.^< It's been very nice to be home with her to curl in my lap.

See you all when I get there. Hugs, kisses, and all my best,

Jo

redesign update

2005-03-27T06:53:00.000-08:00

Due to obvious distractions, I didn't finish the new site design as soon as planned. I'm testing out one design here. I've got another on the drawing board, and may try to combine the two. The one that's being tested is a bit bland for my taste right now. I may just need a color scheme shift...

recovery update #3

2005-03-26T17:56:00.000-08:00

Stayed up at the hospital most of this afternoon. Grammary was doing... okay. They removed the epidural this morning, so she was in a good deal of pain for the first time since the surgery. Her mood was good, though, I thought. She was joking a bit with the nurses; not with a forced happiness, but with a determination to feel better, no matter what. That is at least how I experienced it.

She has Type 3a cancer (t2-n2-m0). Lymph nodes are involved. The surgeon was in today, and he gave us a lot of information. My general impression was consistent with Dad's impression on Wednesday -- his demeanor was of cautious optimism.

Reactions to this knowledge were mixed -- some family members are really afraid. Please keep them especially in your prayers.

Grammary seems to be reacting with a good amount of courage.

Thank you, and I'll post again later, probably tomorrow night or Monday.

quick recovery update (#2)

2005-03-24T14:31:00.000-08:00

Well, I didn't get into Jonesboro today to see Grammary, but...

It's looking good. They're moving her out of ICU today to a regular room. This is good news, and earlier than I expected it to happen. From there, depending on how much they need to monitor her condition, she will go home soon... but how soon, I don't know. We had originally guestimated that she would be in the hospital a week to ten days.

I will probably go tomorrow, and see what everyone knows. Thanks for your prayers, everyone.

recovery update #1

2005-03-23T15:43:00.000-08:00

Hey all, Grammary is doing well. She is still in ICU for the time being. They removed a tumor the size of a golf ball (about 1/2 the size they had expected) from the upper lobe of her left lung. She was awake both times I saw her today, had good color and was in good spirits. (She was in a very Grammary mood. That is a good thing. *grin*)

The doctor/pathologist was 'cautiously optimistic', because he is never recklessly optimistic. There were no great surprises, and since she's appearing to do well, I think she will weather this just fine.

It'll probably be a while before she's as up-and-at-'em as she is used to, but that's to be expected.

I'll report again when I hear something new. Thanks for listening.

surgery update

2005-03-23T10:05:00.000-08:00

Grammary went into surgery at 9:30 a.m. CST, and is now out (12:06 CST). She is in ICU, but in stable condition as far as I know. I am still in Blytheville, but headed to Jonesboro to the hospital shortly. When I called a few minutes ago, they were just letting family in to see her in ICU.

Will post again tonight, with more info.

a temporary purpose

2005-03-22T06:31:00.000-08:00

So far, this little blog has been the means by which I simply unload what's going on in my mind.

For the next little while, I will be posting updates to my grandmother's condition. She will have surgery tomorrow morning at 7:00 (8:00 EST, 14:00 in Germany) to remove a tumor from her lung.

She goes into the hospital today. When I talked with her last night, she seemed scared but brave.

I sent out a prayer request today. Thank you to all of you who got that message who are reading this now. It means a great deal to me. If you like, leave a comment to say you've been here. If not, I will assume you were here anyway. I am doing my utmost to remain hopeful. Thank you for your help in that.

the whole religion question

2005-03-22T05:54:00.000-08:00

an interesting bit of quizness, via Dave via Katie's Livejournal.

You scored as Buddhism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Buddhism. Do more research on Buddhism and possibly consider becoming Buddhist, if you are not already.

In Buddhism, there are Four Noble Truths: (1) Life is suffering. (2) All suffering is caused by ignorance of the nature of reality and the craving, attachment, and grasping that result from such ignorance. (3) Suffering can be ended by overcoming ignorance and attachment. (4) The path to the suppression of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path, which consists of right views, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right-mindedness, and right contemplation. These eight are usually divided into three categories that base the Buddhist faith: morality, wisdom, and samadhi, or concentration. In Buddhism, there is no hierarchy, nor caste system; the Buddha taught that one's spiritual worth is not based on birth.

Buddhism

79%

Paganism

75%

Islam

58%

Christianity

54%

Hinduism

54%

agnosticism

54%

Satanism

46%

atheism

42%

Judaism

42%

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com

balance

2005-03-16T06:44:00.000-08:00

playing: Happiness from "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown" + hear it

This little gem of a song is a nice reminder for me. I know I get too wrapped up in the big stuff (school, work, stress, whatever) that I forget the simple pleasures.

Time for travel now. Headed to Kansas to see Becca, meet with my advisor, and go to the dentist (joy).

See you cats Saturday night.

yes, again.

2005-03-15T19:04:00.000-08:00

Yup, you guessed it...it's time for a redesign. I wonder sometimes if I will ever be satisfied with one design... then I remember how much fun I have trying new ideas, as un-creative as they might be at times. I'm not near as good as many others out there (like Mena, for instance) but I suppose I try.

Besides, it's me. I'm a mutable sign, for god's sake. (Notice how I give myself a completely unnecessary excuse. How very like a Virgo.)

Rationalization. Justification. Blaming. My insecurity is showing tonight.

on the path to grace

2005-03-13T11:46:00.000-08:00

"Science, technology, economics, military force, and social prestige — all of which are seen by the mortal mind as sources of genuine might and strength — might have the power to affect situations significantly, but they cannot work miracles. They cannot transcend the time-space continuum. They cannot transform the human heart." —Marianne Williamson, Everyday Grace.

I am beginning to know my own limitations, and abandon them. I have sometimes sat in fear, not acting because I was afraid. This is not the extreme of immobilizing terror, preventing any movement at all, but the quiet, sneaking everyday fear that says You're not good enough or They won't accept you. Because of this fear I have spoken to fill a silence, and remained silent when I could have said a kind word. I have sought impossible relationships, and I have neglected the relationships I have. I have tried to force solutions, and I have given up prematurely.

As long as I am trying to act on my own power, I will fail. When I reach for the support of a Power greater than myself, I will see joy.

The journey is this: to act out of love. To think with kindness, to speak gently, to listen compassionately, to give generously, to receive graciously, to honor the humanity in all people, to care for creation, to express love without fear.

This is my prayer.

mercurial

2005-03-10T13:54:00.000-08:00

There come up a wind, hinting at summer storms that will come to trouble us in a few short months. The air ....

I need to write, but I have no clue what I'm doing here. Maybe it'd be better to do this elsewhere.

Jo out.

gemini

2005-03-08T06:21:00.000-08:00

It's been an odd week.

I've had all manner of strange-feeling dreams in the last couple of nights. The only ones I remember are from this morning; one was a searching dream. I kept going through door after door in a maze of connected buildings of all sorts (shops, coffee houses, casinos) and I was looking for a way out, or a way to something, or someone. It was very confused and disorienting. At first I was just taking a shortcut to my apartment, and then I was trying to keep someone from catching up to me.

Then the dream changed, and I was back at school, over at Anders' place I think, and we were discussing when the next get-togethers would be (which was going to be Friday). As I was leaving, Fjalar called out the window to me that he was having something on Wednesday also. I answered him, but he couldn't hear me from outside. It was a familiar situation, being at home with friends, but still felt a bit strange.

Then there was Sunday, when I was awakened by a dog barking at someone mowing the yard... That in itself is not unusual. However, Buddy (the dog) was practically standing on my head looking out the window over my bed at the time. o.0

I did get out Monday to see my grandmother before she has her biopsy. She broke her wrist last week, and they did all kind of tests etc, and found a spot on her lung, hence the biopsy, which will be today at 10:15. Anyway, I played chauffeur to her yesterday, taking her around, running errands, that sort of thing. When Kit got off work around 4, I went over to her place for girl-time and music trading.

Yesterday's oddity was that I was treated to Chinese food twice, lunch and dinner. I picked up lunch for Grammary and myself (it's so nice to drive again!) and then Kit's dad treated us to General Tso's and Chicken Lo Mein from Dragon City (my favorite!). Leftovers abound. I know what I'm having for lunch today.

Kit and I had a nice long talk about duality. I've been feeling pretty dichotomous lately, as though the person I am and the person I want to be will never match. I may have stumbled onto the reason for this today. I've been living in my head a lot... daydreaming, fantasizing about a million different things, all of them set in the future. My best guess right now is that I'm trying to avoid feeling how I feel right now, seeking any distraction I can find. And I have to say, I'm good at finding distractions.

The fact of the matter is that I have not grieved after breaking up with my now ex-fiancé. Two and a half years lost, and I somehow expect myself to get over it in a few months. Well, that may even be possible, but not in a few months of avoiding feeling sadness and regret. In a few months of acutally feeling these things, and letting the depression do its work, instead of avoiding it because it's uncomfortable.

I know that I won't get my head on straight in a paltry few weeks, but I am hoping that I will return to Germany better equipped to behave in the way I want to, instead of being a slave to the emotional tempest that has been building up because I couldn't face my own sorrow yet.

It's definitely time for me to devote some serious time to myself, and make me my top priority. Worrying about school and the future can wait. I have a life to live.

Memo from the Praise Where Praise Is Due Department

2005-02-28T10:54:00.000-08:00

Just so that you know, Bryan Richter has a bitchin' site design for his comic, LCD.

Free!

2005-02-18T19:10:00.000-08:00

It's as good as done.

The end to my first semester in Germany is in sight. So, in the spirit of finals week, here's a complete waste of time.

Neko on the Web

I highly recommend the Cat-Herding option.

one day more

2005-02-17T21:05:00.000-08:00

Les Mis references aside, I'm relieved. Seriously. Tomorrow is my last final of my first semester in Germany.

and there was much rejoicing

So, life is progressing... I'm getting a lot of practice getting to know new people. I'm starting to enjoy it again, and not be so self-conscious anymore (as though I'm the first topic in people's brains anyway!) I'm still multitasking like nobody's business, but not so much that I feel rushed to do anything I've promised.

Templates for Nightgig, helping Kit with certain planning aspects on her comic, and discussing feles albus. Also on the table are making new friends here and keeping in touch with friends abroad.

I have another musician buddy here in Germany... that makes three now? Detti is a classically trained singer, Klaus Peter sings and plays drums in a band, and Fjalar is a brass-player (tuba and trombone) and wants to find out if he can sing too.

Crazy... I am starting to see the lessons before they get painful. I'm feeling the joy and wonder of life itself, and it is good.

first original blog-design

2005-02-10T14:50:00.000-08:00

courtesy of the internet is ageless I can show you what this deal used to look like...

it was called, of all things, greenscreen. wow, can you tell I was having fun with cooltext?

in sight

2005-02-10T14:41:00.000-08:00

So I'm learning PHP in order to make good templates for comics on Nightgig...

I finally finished the nasty take-home final for Dr. Gärtner... definitely a relief. So now I've thrown myself into PHP, at least while my sister naps. I needed a break from regular academic work.

It hasn't broken my head yet, but still, it's taking brainpower... that's good for you, right?

Anyway, there will be much fun and rejoicing in Munich this weekend, and at the co-birthday party Friday night for my sister and Lyndsey.

Life is good when homework is done.

happy anniversary...

2005-02-02T19:06:00.000-08:00

...now this... is four years old today.

Looking back, I can hardly believe how much I've actually used this. The first month that I didn't post anything at all on this blog since I started it in February 2001 was in June of 2003, when I had quit my job and was packing for grad school... moving, spending time with the then fiance, and generally having a lot of chaos in my life.

Wow... but where was I when I started this thing?

I was working at Arkansas State University as a secretary in the then Freshman Studies Department (now called First Year Programs), and working for Kathy Masters, who was more like a relative to me than a boss. She spoiled me... she really did. I believe that I was more or less single then...but I'd honestly have to go look back and read all those blog entries from early on.

Kit turned me onto this, of course, and the title was inspired by a little 'article' on NPR by Susan Stanberg... I have always meant to go back and find it in the archives.. maybe as a birthday present to myself, since I've kept with it this long.

Since then I've quit that job, moved, moved again... loved and lost and loved. I'm back at singleness, willingly this time, although it's not much easier just yet. I'm not only out of Arkansas, I'm out of the country. I've come farther and learned more than I had ever expected to do in four years.

Mostly what I've learned is how much I don't know. It seems that I am being made aware of many of my .... not faults...but... deficiencies? weak points? things I simply don't do well. Some I want to improve (coding, study habits, being myself around others, being romantically involved) and others I need to be more open-minded about (linguistics, dealing with difficult instructors, being patient with myself).

It's amazing to me the amount of time that can pass at a day's steady pace. Four years are gone, and the author changed.

2005-01-31T03:56:00.000-08:00

It certainly has been a week for dreams.

A few nights ago, I dreamt that I had looked up one of my old boyfriends (when I resented him more, I called him the Rat Bastard) and that we had semi-decided to get back together. I was waiting on him to decide whether or not he was interested in my sister, before any actual plans were made. During the dream I felt calm and pleasantly warm.

When I woke up from it, I felt disgusted and well-nigh completely creeped out.

I went back to sleep after that dream, and had another: I was after one of my friends, who already has a girlfriend. I was gradually taking him away from her, and I felt no remorse about it in the dream.

When I woke up from that one, I was more thoughtful than anything else. Clearly I was being shown something, something I would have to decipher.

The next night I dreamt of the most recent ex, but I didn't remember the dream when I woke up. All I remember was not feeling anything extreme.

Then last night, I dreamt of my ex-fiancé. We were in a kitchen (mine I think, but I didn't recognize it) and he had found out that I was single again, and was talking like nothing had ever come between us. He was making plans, and I was half-heartedly agreeing with him, not wanting to burst his bubble just yet, I think because there were other people around. I didn't have the heart to shoot him down.

There is a lesson in this. Unfortunately I'm being distracted from it at the moment. Perhaps it needs some more thinking out.

another epic novel coming to the silver screen

2005-01-28T05:54:00.000-08:00

Kit informed me that one of my favorite books, The Lions of Al-Rassan is on its way to being filmed, according to this news release from the Official Guy Gavriel Kay Website.

If they do this well, I hope the movie's success will spark (renewed?) interest in Kay's books, as film versions of Lord of the Rings and the Harry Potter series seem to have done.

Such untertakings may have sparked another fantasy-novel-turned-film. The first book of Philip Pulman's His Dark Materials is slated to be put to screen by New Line Cinema, the company responsible for the movie trilogy Lord of the Rings.

promise keeping

2005-01-23T02:28:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm getting better at it, anyway.

promise made: April 2004
After getting kit's new(er) blog design up in test mode, all that remains on that project is to get her comments design ready to go live.

promise made: July 2004
This weekend's coding pursuit was attemping to get the shire's page in some semblance of order and good design. The graphics are simplistic (since I made them myself in AppleWorks, of all programs) but for now they do the job. I've been wranging with the layout, and once that is accomplished, I get to translate the site into German. That in itself shouldn't be too hellacious, but there's no telling how long the organization of the site itself will take. I should probably just download all the files to my little comp and argue with it from there.

But I am making progress, and at least the text isn't lost in the background graphic like it used to be.

proof I should open a restaurant

2005-01-19T09:19:00.000-08:00

Here it is....

Pork Schnitzel, Pasta with Cheese and Sauteed Onions and Fried (yes, fried!) Brussels Sprouts... I'm so proud of it. Finished at roughly the same time, all four food groups, and I can tell you, it tastes as good as it looks.

Guten Appetit!

new tricks

2005-01-18T08:20:00.000-08:00

I'm not an old dog yet, but good habits are taking a while to form.

Singleness is going fairly well (I've fantasized but not done anything about it), and the girls, here and at home, are all keeping me on track. I get my girliness out with Kellie, who is planning her wedding. I have more spiritual discussions with Becca, and practical ones with Lynds and Katie. Kit and Ken are reminders that boyfriends should be great friends, not just romantic interests, if/when it comes time to no longer be single.

That, however, will be quite some time.

The rest of getting used to being on my own is taking care of all the daily daily. My room is half clean (literally - what I've cleaned is pristine, what I haven't is utter chaos) and I'm making progress every day. I'm cooking more, cleaning more, studying more. I'm putting more personal touches to my room (thanks to IKEA), making it a place I want to be in.

I'm also trying to write a little every day. This is today's place to do it.

new year's revolution

2005-01-09T00:19:00.000-08:00

Let me just say, for the record, that I suck at being single.

Which is, of course, the reason I need to be.

After all the fanfare of a new relationship, I finally get it through my thick head that I will never learn to become who I was intended to be if I don't spend a little time with myself. Thing is, after 12 years of hiding from my true self in thoughts of 'him' ['his' face changes every two years or so], I don't know how not to be interested in, infatuated with, in love with, obsessed about someone. If I have someone else to concentrate on, I spend only a perfunctory amount of time taking care of and getting to know myself at all.

This is not the relatively recent development that it sounds like. As a child I would immerse myself in my 'best friend', so much that I didn't have other friends. One person, one for each school year. Some years there wasn't anyone to be had, and those were full of confusion and self-loathing.

When I left for Germany, I felt like this year was going to be Jocelyn's Year to Get to Know Herself.

And I guess it has been, even though I spent the first four months of it enmeshed in a new relationship. I needed to see that I really didn't know how to be myself with a boyfriend, even though I'm getting fairly good at being myself with the girls. I mean, I have two really good friends here already, and I don't have to spend every minute with one or the other of them. I felt that way about my 'best friend' in grade school. I can relax and be my most loving, vulnerable, hopeful, silly, charming, fearful, fun-loving, unreliable, goofy self in front of them, without fear that they won't like me if I'm not perfect, or if I'm not imperfect enough.

If the person in my life is male and we have a little chemistry between us, however, there is no tearing myself away. I lose myself completely, even forgetting in my actions that there is a 'me' to take care of.

Crazy thing is, this situation was arranged before I got here. God gave me someone I would fall for, and made sure he would be physically taken away from me after these four months. He has been giving me hints for years that I needed to make time to be single, to learn who I really am, and it came to this.

I could still have fought, but the pain of not changing was finally more than the pain of changing. I saw over the Christmas holidays how much of myself I had lost in those four months, how very differently I was behaving than I did when I left for Germany. The pressure of this awareness was too great for me to withstand, too obvious for me to hide. I knew I had to come back to Germany as a single woman and stay that way. For once, I actually made the mature decision, even though it meant hurting someone I desperately loved.

I also knew that if I continued to lose myself in 'him', there would be no hope for that relationship. It would die like all the rest of them, at the end of about two years, and I would feel so guilty that I would be afraid to ever see or talk to him again.

In an odd way, I believe that making the best decision for me would also be the best for him. There is still hope that I will be able to be myself around him, and that maybe I could have a good, healthy relationship with him after all.

There was nothing I could do in good conscience but come back to Germany single, and resolve to stay that way.

Of course I had choices. I could still have held on, depending on someone 5000 miles away for all my happiness, all my hope.

In choosing not to, I gave myself hope.

better outlook

2004-12-25T05:31:00.000-08:00

... for the blog, as well as me.

That old design that looked "sleek and black" was actually more "depressing".

So, it's Christmas. The ground is white, and there is a hint of red and green all over the place.

It's brighter, at least. One of these days I will have a template with graphics, something "soothing" or "invigorating" or "snappy".

Right now, it's text only for a clear mind.

Take care, all. I'll be back around later.

21:24

2004-12-24T12:24:00.000-08:00

Apparently I'm going to post every hour or so. I still have a good bit of battery, so it's all good.

Into The Woods is my current distraction. Thank God for iTunes.

Spent the last 30 minutes or so exploring the programs on this little machine.

- no cards, but chess (and I am too afraid of losing to play long enough to make a mistake)
- 1st person shooter that blasts your ears out when you start it up
- so does World Book Encyclopedia
- ... but it does have a kinda-cool Atlas
- TextEditor is not Simple Text, but PseudoWord

Confined spaces + headache = crabby Jo

If I treat this like one of the all-nighters I used to pull [link to Blogathon archives] then maybe I'll make it.

Not like I have much of a choice.

Still, if I could lie in bed reading instead of sitting bolt upright in a narrow chair, it might not be so bad.

3 hours-ish to arrival, I think. 3.5. Whatever.

I might have to start a movie after Into The Woods is over.

It feels wierd to still have daylight when my computer says it's 21:32.

Back to reading, or knitting maybe.

The hat is going well. It's actually starting to look like a hat (pic here, girl!)